1)Give a man a match and he'll be warm for an hour... Set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

2)Why do people point to their wrists when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

3)A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.

4)A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.

5)Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

6)How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

7)If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?

8)If swimming is so good for you why are whales so fat?

9)If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?

10)If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!

11)It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

12)Love letters, business contracts and money always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

13)Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.

14)People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

15)People who say, 'Never give up' can never accept the inevitable.

16)Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a seat has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

17)The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.

18)The more you cry, the less you have to pee.

19)The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'!

20)The only ones who aren\'t grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys.

21)The Romans didn't find algebra very challenging, because X was always 10.

22)Time is money, money is the root of all evil, and knowledge is power. Therefore, procrastination is the key to world peace.

23)Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door. 24)The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

25)War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.