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Things you don\'t want to hear during surgery 1. Better save that. We\'ll need it for the autopsy. 2. What do you mean \"You want a divorce?!\" 3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! 4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what\'s that? 5. Hand me that. uh. that uh. that thingy there. 6. Oh no! Where\'s my Rolex? 7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? 8. There go the lights again! 9. Ya know, there\'s big money in kidneys and heck\' this guy\'s got two of \'em. 10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it\'s throwing off my concentration. 12. What\'s this doing here? 13. I hate it when they\'re missing stuff in here. 14. That\'s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one? 15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. 16. Sterile schmerile. The floor\'s clean, right? 17. What do you mean he wasn\'t in for a sex change?! 18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. 19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? 20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card? 21. Don\'t worry. I think it\'s sharp enough. 22. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness. 23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! 24. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing. __________________________________________________________________ ========================================================================== DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT UNLESS YOU LIKE CRUEL AND EVIL JOKES!!!! Evil Jokes(that I thought were funny): ___________________________________________________________________ A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, \'I\'m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!! The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn\'t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, \'No, no, I\'m sorry, it\'s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I\'ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.\' ________________________________________________________________ Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Broken promises don\'t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you\'re having a good idea but it\'s just eggs hatching. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk ____________________________________________________________________ Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it\'s made up of two separate words \"mank\" and \"ind.\" What do these words mean? It\'s a mystery and that\'s why so is mankind. It\'s easy to sit there and say you\'d like to have more money. And I guess that\'s what I like about it. It\'s easy. Just sitting there,rocking back and forth, wanting that money. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let\'em go, because, man, they\'re gone. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. ___________________________________________________________________ Jokes that remind me of MD: I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they\'d never expect it. this reminds me of MD..only people..instead of worlds also this: During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were \"just going down to the corner.\" One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don\'t run with a wooden stake. Consider the daffodil. And while you\'re doing that, I\'ll be over here, looking through your stuff. Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let\'s say you have chosen the nickname \"FlyHead.\" Normally you would think that \"fly Head\" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn\'t it also mean \"having a head like a fly\"? I\'m afraid some people might actually think that. I think a good product would be \"Baby Duck Hat.\" It\'s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the fountain and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. \"Uh-oh,\" he thought.\"This fountain is reserved for skeletons.\" If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.\" When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns ____________________________________________________________________ John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK. Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died. David: Doctor, he didn\'t hang himself. I hung him there to dry ____________________________________________________________________ Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don\'t know what your rights are, or who the person is you\'re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. ____________________________________________________________________ Twenty yards to the Out House by Willie Makit and illustrated by Betty Wont ____________________________________________________________________ What\'s red and crawls up your leg? A homesick abortion. A while ago someone was asking for dead baby jokes after that last one... here they are. If you like kids (alive), don\'t read on. Some of these are really sick..and... um... disgusting...and evil... soo..very evil....but these were the best of the lot...or rather those that I could stand.. What has 4 legs and one arm? A Doberman in a children\'s playground! Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby? A: Because you get a womb with a view. Q: What is the definition of revenge? A: A baby with a dingo in its mouth. Q: What do vegetarian dingos eat? A: Cabbage patch kids. Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can? A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can. Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can? A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans. Q: What\'s worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid? A: A trashcan lid in a dead baby. Q. Whats more fun that spinning a baby on clothes line? A. Stopping it with a shovel. Q: What\'s the proper gift for a dead baby? A: A dead puppy. Q.What\'s red and hangs in trees? A baby that has been hit by a snowblower. Q. What\'s pink and slowly turns red? A. A baby chewing a razor blade ___________________________________________________________________ Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started slowly to clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, \'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.\' From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet \'Well, fuckin\' stop doin\'it then, ya evil bastard!\' ____________________________________________________________________ Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is to look for his father. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St Peter \"Where is my father?\" But St Peter says he doesn\'t know. He asks the archangel Gabriel \"Where is my father?\" But Gabriel doesn\'t know. He asks John the Baptist \"Where is my father?\" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist a very old man, with white hair, stooped over a little. \"Stop!\" Jesus yells. \"Who are you?\" \"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son.\" Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? \"Tell me of your son, old man.\" \"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know...\" Jesus screams, \"Father!!!!!\". The old man yells, \"Pinocchio!!!!!!!\"