A candle light to bring me out of darkness..The darkness of this deep lonely pit..I need a hand to pull me out..A heart to help me bit by bit..Who Am I? What is my name? Where do I come from? What am I? These were the first questions that came to my mind when I entered the colorful fabulous carnival. Jesters around me mocked me with a mallet.. I was teased laughed at by people.. But then the people made me feel safe.. It was much better than the time i spent in those horrifying shadows.. that girl.. her scary smile.. that hooded figure.. who were they?
Despite my long search for peace..All I've found is sorrow and pain..As for the ones which I searched for..That I've lost, naught did I gain...I am tired of searching for my entity.. my identification.. my purpose.. None have i found the answers to.. The hooded figure and the girl.. Oh my head burns thinking Of them.. They stole me.. They stole my individuality.. My sorrow plagues me.. Sucks my will bit by bit.. I have become apprehensive.. Anxiety has tainted my soul... I want to run to some place safe.. Where is my shrine? Where is my sanctum?? Somebody Please tell me!! Guide me..
I stride on this long rugged road...No companion, No steed..I just found Thorns and Stones...To pain my bleeding feet..My legs ache due to the endless roads I've walked.. I can see the scars on my tender gentle feet.. Thorns, stones and insects maybe.. They have all scourged me.. Oh my I can never forget the carnival.. I need healing.. Somebody please heal my bleeding feet.. I want to search about my true self.. My past..
A thin horizon is all I can see..Hope and honor it promises to bring...But horizons are imaginary I was told...Will its pursuit injure my wings??No I am not an angel.. I don't have wings.. Never heard of metaphors?? Well if you haven't then please do hear it now.. But please.. Promise me.. Don't ask me where I heard that word from.. I don't remember anything..
Its a question I've asked myself...Perhaps a hundred times...But naught do I get to hear..From this wretched conscience of mine..I ask myself For what do I live.. In this strange land, with strange people, strange creatures, strange powers, Everything scares me.. What about me?? Do I have any powers? I stare at my hands every time i see a new person.. Wondering if I am related to them.. If I am of their kind.. If I will have a story to tell too about myself.. How I grew up, how I lost my body.. Why I saw all the darkness around me trying to eat my spirit alive..
Tears in my eyes flow forever more... Sting me every second or so..Loneliness has become My companion constant...I cant decide whether he's a friend or a foe.. Yes.. I am lonely.. Do not pity me for being lonely.. Since I came out of the darkness, it has been faithful to me.. Very loyal.. Just like a shadow.. Except that It stays with me even during the brightest light.. You may say.. that I've sung before about having no companion.. Well What do you know.. I think I found one.. He seems a part of me.. My soul..
I am getting tired of this journey..seemingly unending so far..Do think I'll last longer??Hardy Har Har!! Hardy Har Har!! I expect you to say yes.. It'll will encourage me.. Pray for me.. Wish that I find my answers soon.. I am very open to your guidance and suggestions.. If there is anyway I can find myself.. I will.. Till then.. I will search for answers... I will try to save the memories of my Present and try to shape my future.. Yes I will..
Help me out of this misery..I beg you.. Please help me..Whom am I asking you may wonder..Its every living being I see..And you are one of them..
You may wonder why I call myself holy hell.. Because the first word that came to my mind was Hell.. A hell where I was robbed of my body.. A holy hell where power was given to me to live again... Name me if you desire to.. I am always open to your guidance..
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If poisonous minerals, and if that tree
Whose fruit threw death on else immortal us,
If lecherous goats, if serpents envious
Cannot be damned, alas, why should I be?
Why should intent or reason, born in me,
Make sins, else equal, in me more heinous?
And Mercy being easy, and glorious
To God; in his stern wrath, why threatens he?
But who am I, that dare dispute with thee
O God? Oh! of thine only worthy blood,
And my tears, make a heavenly Lethean flood,
And drown in it my sin's black memory;
That thou remember them, some claim as debt,
I think it mercy, if thou wilt forget.
John Donne
