A Little About Me

My name is Syrian, though I had another name once, from a time that I remember all too well. I came here split, two personas that were both me, I couldn't even distinguish which one was me, and which one was not. After a while it became apparent, they are both me, and the child that I became was an escape from myself and a past that I couldn't bare to live with, I hid behind her like a shadow, dark and distant, hiding behind the persona my subconscious had given to me. A way to hide away from the pain and the anguish that I am burdened with.

But the pain is always there, the child that I hide behind, is only another representation of myself, I cannot hide from myself, but she gives me a way to ignore the dark and painful parts of myself, and to view the world in a way i had never experienced before, the joyous feeling to be a child, to be happy, free from the burdens of the world and to live without the repercussions of my past, to experience the world anew.

I can talk about her as a separate person, or maybe even just another side of the coin, and while this is true, we are the same, she lives because of me, and I couldn't live without her, we protect each other, she protects me from myself, and I protect her from the world. She runs and plays and has all the fun in the world, and I get to watch and experience these things for myself, but sometimes, sometimes things become too much, my emotions become too powerful, and they begin to leak, and the coin begins to turn...

The Memories Long Forgotten

I was once the Queen of the grandest Elven city known to this earth, a kingdom so magnificent it was said to be the palace of the gods, the one true shining star in a world full of hate and greed. But to better understand my story, one must start with another, yet equally tragic story, that of my two sons. The first, Illius, and the second, Ithlirian. Ithlirian was the most naturally gifted child seen in generations, he had a natural affinity for magic that had never been seen before, able to learn magic without practice just from watching it and the ability to read runes and instantly memorise them. Illius, the eldest, was not so talented. shadowed by the talent of his younger brother, he became obsessed with bettering him, spending every waking moment alone with his books. I watched him, slipping further away from the world, deep inside himself, consumed by jealousy, hatred and pride, fuelling his inner fire of self destruction..

There was a day that I finally saw Illius outside of his chambers, the visage of him cut deeply, the washed out face, the cold dead eyes staring into mine, and a soul so black and empty it broke my heart. He walked past me without a second glance, I held myself strong for as long as I heard his footsteps on the marble. The footsteps stopped, the silence struck me me like a blade to the heart, the emptiness consumed me, I fell to my knees and wept, I wept until my eyes were dry, and still i continued. I knew from that moment my son was lost, and I had done nothing.

For days afterward I remained in my room, neglecting myself and refusing food. I screamed away visitors until my throat was dry. The last was Ithlirian, I couldn't bare to have him see me this way, I summoned up what magic I had left and I cast him from my room. Exhausted I collapsed on my bed, a single tear rolling down my cheek. I was nothing, a wraith, a prisoner of my own mind, broken and irreparable. On the fifth day of my self inflicted solitude, terrified screams met my window from the courtyard below. I picked myself up from my bed and peered out of the window. Nothing could have prepared me for the sight that followed, my two sons, standing together. Illius with that same dead stare. but the other, he bounced around with glee and pride, blood staining every part of him, his left hand blackened. In his right, a severed baby dragon head on a spear, blood still dripping from its neck. It left a trail as he walked proudly towards the palace. It's worth noting, dragons are primal creatures, extremely vengeful, arrogant and quick to anger. If you wrong one of them, even slightly, they will not stop until they have their payment, and something like this...

I panicked, struggled to breath, my mind trying furiously to maintain a cohesive sentence, the realisation sent my head spinning. Illius, consumed by hate, must have convinced Ithlirian to slay this poor creature and bring its head home as a trophy. In the distance the the cries of its mother could be heard. A roar mixed with anger, with sadness. a woeful cry for its lost infant. Ithlirian, realising his brothers trickery in that moment, dropped the head in fear, scanning around his environment he locked eyes with Illius. Using his blackened hand, he sent Illius crashing against the nearest wall with a blast of air, knocking him out as his limp body fell to the floor. Ithlirian screamed as he ran inside the palace, screaming my name over and over..

The screams reach their peak as my doors are flung open, and Ithlirian runs through them, he holds out his arms as he runs for me, tears streaming down his face. He grabs me, his weight forcing me to the ground, I wrap my arms around him in an attempt to make him feel safe. I hold him there, blankly staring at the wall in front of me, my child crying against my chest, I feel nothing, No sorrow. No pity. No fear. I am truly...empty. Ithlirian hugs me tighter, he feels safe now, in his own little world, but I know otherwise, I give him a small squeeze, place my lips upon his head, and try my best to prepare for reprisal.

The Memories Long Forgotten II
By Jester

~ PART II ~

The wall separating us from the world suddenly disintegrated under the searing plasma of dragon fire. As the smoke cleared my gaze was drawn to one enormous, reptilian eye where the wall used to be. It spoke without words. GIVE ME THE CHILD KILLER. I shuddered under the pressure of that voice in my head, still clutching my son to me."But it wasn't his fault!" I screamed. "Someone tricked him!" The Dragon blinked its giant eye once, lazily. THEN WHO? I hesitated. Could I really save one son at the cost of the other? Then I remembered Illius' face earlier, and looked down at Ithlirian clutched to my chest, trembling at the sight of the mother of the child he had slain.

I had to do something... The Dragon's head withdrew from the window and I looked over at Illius staggering to his feet. He glared at Ithlirian with a look of intense hatred, barely even noticing the Dragon. That's when I made up my mind."It was him!" I shouted and leapt to my feet, pointing at Illius and hating myself for it. He looked up at me in shock and betrayal while Ithlirian looked up at me in a daze from the ground where he lay. The Dragon turned to regard Illius, who glared back. "I knew you always loved Ithlirian more!" He screamed. "Fine then! Take me! I don't care!" The Dragon opened its mouth, and then paused, sniffing the air. With an air of calculated menace it turned back towards me. I SMELL HIS BLOOD ON THIS ONE.

I froze, trying to find words. My head was full of Illius' voice and my betrayal. Suddenly the Dragon opened its mouth and snatched up Ithlirian. He screamed, once, before the Dragon bit him in half. Blood rained down over the courtyard and Ilius. I stared in shock. The sorrow hadn't set in yet, all I felt was emptiness. More Dragons arrived, and they proceeded to raze my Kingdom to the ground, piece by piece. Ilius and I watched in silence as the Kingdom said to be the very Palace of the Gods was turned into naught but ash and charred rubble.

~ PART III ~

One month has passed since that fateful day. Illius and I live together in the woods. Our former people want nothing to do with us and attack us on sight for the crime of destroying our Kingdom. Illius and I do not talk. I can tell he's broken, from the loss of his life purpose in besting his brother, and from my betrayal. He does little else besides stare at me with his accusing eyes.Those eyes... they are all I see, along with Ithlirians confused face as the Dragon bit him in two. They haunt my dreams. I try not to sleep but sometimes the exhaustion becomes too much. I wake up screaming.

But I have the answer... it came to me on my fifth day awake. Ithlirian appeared to me in a pond and gave it to me while I was gathering water. Illius' eyes, those are the problem. If he wasn't always staring at me, a constant reminder of what has happened, perhaps I could forget.He's asleep now. I go get the knife I keep for self defense and walk quietly into his room. It takes a while and he struggles at first, but eventually the task is completed. His breathing slows... stops. I run into the woods carrying the accursed objects and cast them into the deepest pit I know of. Now, perhaps, I can rest...

At the door of the cabin I'm met by a strange creature who looks like a living shadow. In one hand he is holding a cube, and the other he extends to me. I take the hand...I feel my mind being split, and when I awake I'm not just me anymore...

A Diary of Sorts

~ The Beginning ~

My name is Syrian, in my past life I was a queen. However, I came to this realm as a child of 12. She was my escape, a way to hide from a past I couldn't live with. I will speak of her as a separate person, because for all intent and purposes, she is. This child has no memory of her past, of me. she experiences this world in a similar way as a newborn does. I am the the part of she never wants to know about, the shadow that will always stalk her, a shadow that she refuses and runs from. She fears me, and I do not blame her. I'm cold, bitter, angry, filled with regret and self hatred. Should I hate her too? After all, I'm stuck with her, she's my limitation, a scared child with no control of herself. But while she doesn't share my memories, I share hers, and its that alone that makes me not hate her, she gives me a view of the world I had long forgotten, the joyous feeling to be a child, to be happy, free from the burdens I caused myself, to experience the world anew. A way to hide behind her innocence, to forget myself, to ignore the pain. A limitation she may be, but I love her, my child, my sweet escape.

~ Day: 126 Year: 8 ~

It has been some time since I last wrote, and quite a lot has changed, joining Necrovion did well for us, the child no longer refuses me, she has opened her eyes and she no longer sees me as the threat she once did, I cant say for sure if she understands me, nor can I say i understand her, but she allows my memories to be hers, but for some unknown reason I keep my past from her still, I feel protective of her. However I can no longer say she is a different person, perhaps, another side of the coin, sharing the same experiences, but from different perspectives, both sides ever present, but always connected. We have been through much, her and I, and I am beginning to see that she was never my escape, but something else...